Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Which One Would YOU Call The Waiter?

Hello Everyone! (Or no one)

So today's post is going to be a rather short one, as I'll only be sharing two entries. The reason for this is that in the following post I make, I'll have plenty to share regarding one particular theme, and in order to establish consistency in an otherwise chaotic world, I am reduced to making this post brief. I hope this doesn't cause you too much stress.

Today's first entry is actually something I didn't even write myself -- it's a poem that I had to present to my third grade class, and I remember how deeply I fell in love with it; enough so that I felt the need to share it with my very own diary to keep with me for the remainder of days. I also distinctly remember asking my teacher if I could change a few words from the poem to suit my liking, and I expected her to reply with, "Yes, sure, of course, Evan. You can change some of the words of this poem." Can you guess if she let me or not? She didn't. I was shocked. But needless to say, I still loved this poem, and I imagine you will too. In fact, you'll probably be obsessed with it. Enjoy :-)

Dear Journal,
Dining with his older Daughter Dad forgot to order water Daughter quickly called the waiter, waiter said He’d being it later. So she waited did the Daughter till the waiter brought the water, when he poured it for her later, which one would you call the waiter?

The Daughter! the end!

Dear Journal,
Hi, its me again Evan. Well to days the Day it’s fathers day! Where my grandparents and cousins our coming over. Echhhh! Somtimes I like when their here, and sometimes I don’t! And this time I don’t really want them over but they have too. the end! Bye!

Well, what did I say?! Obsessed?? I thought so. And naturally I felt the need to answer the question posed at the end of the poem, just in case my readers (aka myself) weren't sure. Makes sense, right?

And there's not much I need to say with regards to that second entry -- so far, have I ever liked when my cousins came over? Apparently not. Sadness. 

So as I said before, my next post (lord knows when that'll be) will present a very particular time in my life, one that continued its appearance for several summers to come. This first occasion, however, was the most notable, and you'll see why once I've shared that on here. So until I see you next time, take care!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

It Sucks To Be Me

I'm back!

I have a feeling that is going to be a constant theme for the remainder of my blog days: Making a post, and then not returning for at least a week or so to make another one, and following that up with some comment related to how inconsistently I post entries on here. Oh well. I support copouts when they're addressed :-)

Moving on -- today's theme includes the world of sucking. Hating your life. AKA, being a stupid 9 year old who complains about his family. And I had it TOUGH, let me tell ya. Except I didn't -- not at all. For the many times I would complain about hating my parents and/or siblings, it didn't quite cross my mind to be grateful for the people in my life that helped shape the bizarre person I now am. But for the sake of childhood, let's remember that everything is relative, and when life hands you lemons, you squeeze those lemons until they squish so hard and dirty up your hands to the point where you just HAVE to wash them. You know what I mean, right?

On another note, I have to bring up yet another important element of my childhood: my stomach. It sucked. I used to throw up constantly as a kid, for no reason other than, well, my stomach sucked. They thought I had Crones. So then how did they find out whether or not I actually did? I'll let you figure that out for yourself. And if you can't, then by all means, read below and you'll learn. Reader discretion is advised, as I describe my procedure as if I'm Doug Funnie (Oh right, I used to think I was him. Don't get me started on that. Though ironically, I'm pretty sure that's why I started writing in journals to begin with). Let me try to remain on track here: just read below, and everything will be explained. Well, to the best of my 9 year old ability at least.

Lastly, I hope that you're ready to take the Evan test...


Dear Diary,
My life sucks! It may not to you, but it does to me. do you think that my life sucks? Yes or no? If you don’t, then I don’t believe you. If you do think my life sucks, then good for you. But I do hope that ya think my life sucks! Thank you for taking the Evan test, you passed! Now for our next questoin, Just kidding!! The end!

Dear Diary,
Again, I am not feeling that good right now because I had to say hi to my other coesins, but I didn’t want to., so my dad yelled at me, so I went to my room! That’s all folks! See you next time!

Dear Diary,
Again, I am feeling extremely bad right now!!!! I really do hate my family except for a few people in it! I really would like a new family! Besides the one I have right now! I would have any family except for the one I have right now! For sure! Mean family! Yes! The end! And thank you! The end!

Dear Diary,
Did you ever have that feeling were you had to do a test in the hospital? Well I did. It all began when I was just about 2 years old. I was always complaining about my stomach allways hurting. This thing has bin going on since I was 2 to 9 ½ years old. I was complaining about me throwing up about 1ce or 2wice a week somtimes. So 2 days ago it all began. The hospital made me dring a whole gallon of some very, very grose stuff. Although the next morning I throgh it up, I still had to go to the hospital to do a test. During the test they put me to sleep, and put this weird thing in my mouth. It went all the way down to my throught. The next thing that they did was to me what put this thing in my butt and pushed it all the way up to my stomach. I am just so happy that this test is over with! Bye!

It's hard to know where to begin. The Evan test? Really? Who was I fooling? Do normal 9 year olds really think like this? Lord I hope not.

And let me clarify one thing -- the procedure, known by most as a Colonoscopy, was something I had NO idea of what I was getting in to. Could you imagine, as a 9 year old, having just cleared out your entire system, dry heaving on the ride to the hospital, and then being half put to sleep to have certain things inserted into your body while you can STILL FEEL THEM?! It's been 17 years since I had this done, and I can STILL remember being on the operating table and having this done to me. Why oh why did they say to me right beforehand, "And if you feel any pain or discomfort, just let us know." Because I DID tell them that during the procedure, but did anything change? I think not. UGH was it mortifying.

Fortunately, though, I survived, Crones-free. I just had a sensitive stomach, which would remain the case for as long as I would upset it, which, sad to say, I do too much. This certainly explains the fact that I can hardly ever drink alcohol, otherwise mr. stomach will act up. As I said before, I lead a tough life.

:-) Thanks for reading!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Bat Mitzvah Video Time

As I promised earlier, I am now including the infamous video that helped define my childhood in all its glory. I'm posting it now seeing as it happens to coincide with the "gay gay singadoodle day" entry, so this would probably be the most appropriate time to showcase this. I don't think it requires much of an introduction. Just bear in mind I'm at my sister's Bat Mitzvah being interviewed by our videographer. Enjoy...

Thoughts? Comments? Questions? Concerns? I have a bunch myself.

Also -- should you want, you can watch the video on Youtube here.

Evan out.

Monday, May 2, 2011

A Singadoodle Day

Hello People,

Once again, I feel the need to apologize if you've been following this, and see that I've not been posting as frequently as I intended to. But as I said before, I have no intention of disappearing anytime soon, so please don't fret. Please. Don't fret. Thanks.

Moving on -- I'm happy to now report my second round of airplane entries. This time we find ourselves in Aspen, Colorado, a place I frequently traveled to with my family. Skiing had always played a large role in my life, and fortunately continues to. The unfortunate part being, of course, the fact that as a child, I DESPISED skiing. Do you wanna know why? It's a simple reason: Ski school. I may not admit to that directly here, but believe me, it's the reason why. So you can keep that in mind as you read the next series of entries. As usual, enjoy.

P.S. I think I enjoyed makin' webs.

Dear Diary,
Since I love makin’ webs, I am going to make one right……………now, about…………Vacations! right now I am going to make one on the next next page.

Dear Diary,
This plane right has not came off as a start good yet. But I hope that it will be soon. I know seven family’s that are go into Aspen, Snowmass. I have a felling that the plane is going to take off in a few, or in 5 minutes. I really didn’t want to go on this trip, but I have to, so I will. I don’t want to go because I don’t like skiing. The airplane is 3 hours and 12 minutes. But, I still can’t wait till we land. And I do hope that I have a good time on my vacation. I am going to draw an airplane now!

Actually I am landing in 15 minutes or so because we took of almost 3 (three) hours ago. I love myself.

Dear Diary,
Today is Monday, I will even proof that I hate skiing. I did not go skiing today. I don’t want to go any other day, but I half to, so I will. The end!

Dear Diary,
I am not felling that well right now because I have to say Hi to my cousins, but I don’t want too. the end!

Today is the day I go to play with my gay, gay, singadoodle day! 

WTF IS A GAY GAY SINGADOODLE DAY?!?!?! Ok, this is one of the first times I'm looking back at something I wrote as a nine year old and I freaking don't know what the hell I'm talking about. Needless to say, there are several more occasions in which I'd written something that has no reference or meaning to anything. But the mind is a complex thing, especially a child's, so let's not pretend we all didn't do or say odd or bizarre things at times. Or in my case, write them down. Either way, I'm getting a pretty good glimpse into the origins of the odd and often times confusing things that would cross my mind, and still sometimes do. It's comforting to know that weirdness is embedded into our personalities from the beginning, and we can therefore embrace our own unique ways based on the way we were born. Thanks, Gaga, for releasing that song just in time. It helps.

Take care all!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

'Seeing' Through the Lies

Hello friends, lovers, enemies, et al,

While I have not been consistently posting on here, I definitely must declare that I have no intention of stopping any time soon. I wanted to express that now, because I don't always follow through on tasks that I begin. But that aside, I'm still keen to share some more ridiculous things I wrote down as a youngin'. 

In today's entries, there comes a point in which I discuss the fact that I've just gotten my first pair of glasses. And let me mention that I wore glasses consistently from the age of 9 to about 25. I never wore contacts during that time, mainly because...well...I couldn't get them in my eyes. Whoops. The reason I'm sharing this with you here and now is due to the fact that, well, I may have fibbed a little bit during my eye exam. Now why would I do this? And for that matter, why would any child lie about his ability to see? Please read the following entries, and upon conclusion, I'll detail exactly what was going through my 9 year old head at that time.

One more thing -- as I re-read the entry I made on 2/27, I recall thinking at that time, 'what is it that people truly write about in their diaries? Am I supposed to talk about more personal things - things I wouldn't share with anyone else but myself?' That being the case, I started to get my little self into the notion that no one else is reading this (not then, at least), so basically I'm at liberty to write down whatever the hell I damn well feel like. (I honestly think that's why I switched to writing cursive there -- I think I was so nervous just to write down what I deemed to be innappropriate text). Good thing it only took me a year to figure that out, huh? Nervous has always been my middle name. Enjoy! 

Today is new monthe’s day! Well that’s what I call it!

Today is Wedsnday, I am going to draw! Because I feel like it. Not!

I have nothing to say! the end!

2 days ago I got glasses. I hope you like them, because I love them! They are some of my favorite colors like gold, nice brown, and turtle shell. I like those colors alot! Other people were being very nice and they were saying to me that I look not really bad, but good in my glasses, or some of them said that they look very, very nice, so other people said that they liked them! But some one said that, I mean 1 person said that I looked bad (wich I hope that he didn’t mean) But after that, he said so. the end!

Dear Diary,
Today is Wednesday, I really don’t feel like writing, so I won’t write anything! See ya! Baby! Bad!

Dear Diary,
I want a new bike! I really do think that my mom did cry when she left to porto rico, to go on a cruise. I really do hate ravinia-school. but if I half to go, then I will!

So let me start by saying how freaking obvious it was that I wanted glasses. That's all there was to it -- I figured wearing glasses would make me look cool, older, hip. All the other kids would be jealous that I got to wear two gigantic circle-shaped glasses on my face all day, everyday. Lucky, lucky Evan. And it was only as of September 2009 that I had lasik to correct my horrible vision that clearly was worsened by the fact that as a 9 year old I lied to my eye doctor about my ability to see. I don't doubt that I ever would have gotten a pair eventually, but most likely not there and then. Oh well. You live you learn. And I still say that any person wearing glasses automatically is cooler, smarter, and more hip. No question about it.

Stay tuned -- in an upcoming post, I'll have a special little video of myself at my sister's bat-mitzah, where I sport the largest glasses a small child has ever worn. Be prepared for that one, coming up soon...


Wednesday, April 13, 2011

January in a Nutshell

Why hello there!

Sooo does everyone remember how, as a child, our parents would sometimes force us to play with certain kids? Maybe it's because our class was filled with certain, shall we say, "special" kids. Now I don't mean special special, so to speak, but just the kids that would strike us as weird. Odd. Different. Bizarre. And at the tender age of 9, being different was NOT acceptable. I recall coming across these types of kids throughout my childhood, and thinking back on it now, I have no doubts that these are the ones that are currently successful mega millionaires, or sitting somewhere in solitary confinement. Either way, they'll have made a name for themselves. Contained in the following entries, I examine one experience with having a play date with such a type, only to make quite a shocking discovery about it. Enjoy.
Oh, and as a side note, I hope you're prepared for the insanely long and descriptive entry made on the 8th.

today is

Today is Friday, I was sick yesterday, and I am sick today. I was sappost to go to the Bulls game, but now I probably can’t go. But if my tempature goes down, and I feel good, my parents said I will prbebly get to go! Boy, do I hope that I can! P.S. I was sappost to go to the dentest to. But now I am not going to go!

Today is Saturday, I have to go to Steve’s house. I don’t want to go, but I will anyways. It is true that we are probably not hardly going to do anything. Probebly what we will only do is play with his cats, and he will argue with his sister! Not! That is probebly all that we are going to do. the end!

Two days ago I went to Steve’s house. I had a really great time. The first thing we did was go to mcdonald’s to get some fries. Then we went sleding, and then we went to see a movie that was called, Adam’s family values! (With I have allready seen before,) but this time, I saw it bedder. Then I went home. I really had a good time! the end!

So there you have it. Not such a bad day after all, huh? Especially the part where I saw the movie bedder this time around. I guess watching a movie for the first time means you might be sitting backwards...or something...

K bye!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Planes, Letters, and a Bizarre Little Boy

Dear Diar-- I mean Readers,

I'm just going to dive right into this one. I'm quite excited about it. The following two entries are perhaps my favorite two from this entire book. And that's saying a lot, considering entries likes my first one, in which I discuss my excitement over one (but not 2) boddles of glue. I have good reason to state that these two top the list:

First off, this marks the time in which I begin a common theme/tradition that I continued throughout my entire Journal-writing career, which includes writing while sitting on a plane. I ALWAYS made it a point to bring my journal onboard and discuss the details of the flight. Of all the entries I write about being on a plane, however, the below is definitely the most clear and to-the-point. Following this post is one I believe I made on our flight back from a family vacation, in which I decide to write my best friend, Abbye, a nice little letter. At first, I couldn't think about why in the lord's name I would do this, but after some recollection, I believe I figured out why. This letter was written about 2 weeks after my family moved to a new town, and I think 9 year old Evan was terrified of losing his then best friend. And needless to say, I never actually sent her this letter, considering it is still intact in my lovely book. I don't think I ever even mentioned it to her. Boy, now that I'm making it public 18 years later, I wonder if I should be concerned about using real names? Eh, whatever, what have I got to hide at this point. Just enjoy the read. 

Today is Thursday, were off on our vacation! Right now we are on the airplane about to take off! We are not moving right now but we will in a few cecons, or minutes! Actually in 10 minutes. Mabie we will take of in 10 minutes! Actually we are moving write now! And we are about to take off! Well actually we all ready took off, and we are going to land in a half of an hour! the end!

Dear Abbye,
I really miss you. I hope that when I come back from my vacation, it won’t be long before you come back, I hope its not to many days. Abbye, I herd that when you go to Mexico, you are going to stay in the same hotel as Stacy. You keep telling me that you hate Stacy, but I am really sure that you really like her as a great friend! And I’m pretty sure that you don’t want Stacy to move, I’m pretty sure! Besides, how are you doing there, I’m pretty sure that you miss me, (like I bet you do.) but I’m still pretty sure that you are having a great time! You are the bestes friend I could ever have in the whole world! Abbye, this is 1 question I’ve been wanting to ask you, since I moved already. Arn’t we going to be pen-pals? Because before I moved, we have been planning to be pen-pals for ever! So are we? To answer me just write back to me and answer my question! So Abbye, how is Mexico? I hope that you are having a good time with Stacy. To tell you the truth, I did not like my vacation at all the only things that I liked were fishing, uncle Bob’s ice cream, and playing tennis! I don’t think that you will belive me but my sister, and my dad were going fishing with me, and they both coght a sting-ray! And I didn’t! Abbye, please write back to me, and tell me if you belived me or not! Who knows if you belive me or not! But I do hope that you belive, because I would really never lie to you ever! If I hadn’t of met you I wouldn’t have a best friend! But since I met you, I really have a very, very, very great friend! I don’t want to say this but I will. When we met Stacy, she really took us away from each other, and that is why I think you always say that you hate stacy! Plus, on December 19th was our aniversary for playing for the 1st time! I’m sorry that we never got to play with eachother that day, because we were both on vacation. But we can still celebrate our aniversary when we both get back from our vacation! We will celebrate it from December 19th. I miss you very much, and one more question, I would like to know if you are going to be back, by new years eve. So we can have plans that night. If you are, we will probebley stay up all night and party, and we will have a great time! We will only do that if you are back by new years eve! If you arn’t I will not know what to do that night! I would be so bord that night without you! Well Abbye, I gotta go now, so I will see you in a few days! I miss you! Bye! P.S. When you get back remember to call me! bye!
I discovered this lovely page at the end of the psychotically long letter. I must've gone crazy then, too. 

I mean, I was crazy, right?? Like actually crazy? I don't know. But I will say one thing -- I did have the greatest friends a kid could ask for, including Stacy! (For the record, we never hated her! The three of us couldn't have been any closer, and I think it was just childhood drama we were searching for. We were WAY ahead of the game in that department).

Looking forward to sharing some more soon!